Todd Karges and I had a profound conversation about positive masculinity after harm. You can watch the full video on the Leaders Studio. Here are my reflections on leading from a place of absolute brokenness.
Both of us being graduates of Co-Active Leadership Program, the first thing that Todd and I explored was the essence of leadership. For me, leadership is about bringing forth that one thing that you excel at. You don’t have to be perfect. You simply bring it forth into the world and the more you do it, the more you continue growing as a leader. This is especially true when you are leading from a place of absolute brokenness.
“When life breaks you, it is because you are ready to be put back together differently… Trust that the cracks are where the light gets in.”
— Unknown
My Reflections on Leading from Brokenness
When I look at what I am good at, I realize that my strength lies in holding space for boys who have experienced gross neglect, abuse, exploitation, violence, and even sexual assault. This connection enables me to see beyond their troubles. I have experienced many instances when the same boys and young men I am supporting have turned around and said they didn’t need me. There have been times when my phone has been stolen and important data wiped off by one of the boys.
Others have stolen bicycle parts and sold them or dropped out of school when school fees has been fully paid and accused me of not paying school fees. And through it all, I have extended grace. There is a joke at Lifesong Kenya that goes like:- Lifesong Kenya gives second chances, James gives a thousand chances!
This never used to be so in the beginning. Every bit of inconvenience drove me crazy and there were a lot of times when I wanted to give up on the boys. Then I looked back into my childhood and thought about what I needed back then, and decided to stay optimistic, foolish and humble.
When we stay foolish and humble, we are able to hold space for individuals who have experienced stigma and trauma. We tell them how much we can take, where we draw the line and the responsibility they must take for their own growth.
This is what transforms the lens through which they view themselves, the troubles they have faced and the stories they keep telling themselves about their circumstances. When they find help and support, they are able to turn trauma, stigma and their troubles into treasure. Of course, this requires an individual who is willing to lead from a place of brokenness because a different kind of leading is required.
Leading from Lived-Experience
As an individual who is leading an organization that supports boys who are in fragile contexts, my lived-experiences as a man who grew up without a father, got arrested and have faced multiple, my Co-Active training as a Coach and Leader, helps me to see what most people don’t see in brokenness. When I see a boy who has a huge appetite for food, I see a food store manager. When I meet a boy who is a perpetual liar, I see a skilled storyteller.
Where the society sees potential perpetrators and harm, I see boys and exceptional young men who have infinite potential and treasure. My role as a Co-Active Coach and Narrative Guide is to act as a beacon for each boy. What each boy needs to do is envision his abundance, his treasure and his fullness despite growing up fatherless and experiencing lack, violence, abuse, exploitation, wrongful incarceration or sexual assault.
In the end, that is all we can do for another fellow human being who needs a second chance. The rest is their full responsibility because they are in charge of their destiny. All they need is someone who is willing to take up a leading role.
About Todd Karges
Todd Karges believes that effective leading starts from a place of curiosity about ourselves and our unique strengths. His coaching approach is designed to help clients to succeed in both their professional and personal lives. He is trained by Co-Active Training Institute, one of premier coaching education programs in the world and is a member of the International Coaching Federation.
In his spare time, Todd often spend time with his family in Hamilton, Ontario and stay active by baking, reading, or hosting the a livestream titled “Leaders Studio” on LinkedIn and YouTube
